The Importance of Setting Boundaries

Many of us are people pleasers. From our relationships with friends and family to our work achievements, we want to go above and beyond in all aspects of our lives. This is commonly viewed as a positive quality, and one that we may feel a great deal of pride about. However, in focusing so much on others and what we can accomplish, it can become easy to forget about our own needs in the process. Keep reading to learn more about boundaries and why they are so important to have in place.

What is a Boundary?

A boundary is a figurative limit that we set in place, helping to clarify what we are comfortable doing and what we are not. Boundaries vary widely from person to person and can be used in just about any context, from work to school to friendships and beyond. Moreover, boundaries are flexible. We can have times in our lives where we are more open to extending ourselves beyond what we typically would, and times where we can extend ourselves far less than usual.

What Does a Lack of Boundaries Look Like?

To better understand what boundaries are, it is helpful to know what a lack of boundaries looks like. If you are lacking boundaries, you may find these things going on in your life:

• Feeling like you’re never separated from work (e.g. regularly taking phone calls or doing work after hours, feeling like you never have days off).

• Having the sense that you always have to be there to help or “save” others, whether it be family members, friends, colleagues, or loved ones.

• Feeling responsible for someone else’s life or health

• You feel guilty, shameful, or selfish when taking time for yourself (or you never take time for yourself)

• Others come to you for support and to share struggles but you do not go to others for support

• You find yourself constantly saying yes to everyone

• You find that your plate is continually getting more and more full

• You often feel overburdened and used

Why is Boundary Setting so Important?

Setting boundaries clarifies to ourselves and to others what we are comfortable with and what we are not comfortable with. Without this clarification, we can find ourselves quickly overextended, taking on far more than we feel comfortable handling. Moreover, lacking boundaries in personal relationships can contribute to us feeling disrespected or used as we extend ourselves to always be there for others, but do not feel the same support in return.

In setting boundaries, we are prioritizing ourselves and what we need. For those of us setting clear boundaries for the first time, this may feel like we’re being selfish. However, prioritizing yourself is a necessity in order to maintain positive mental health, be a part of healthy relationships, be productive in our work and school tasks, and be in the best position to support others.

How to Set Boundaries

Take this time to think about your current priorities and tasks that you have on your plate. Then ask yourself:

• What tasks/priorities/relationships do I feel the most positive about?

• What tasks/priorities/relationships are causing the most stress?

• What tasks/priorities/relationships are taking up the majority of my time?

• Am I taking time for myself?

• If not, what would it look like to take more time for myself? What kind of things could I do? How would I feel doing this?

• What is my limit of comfort within the tasks/priorities/relationships that I currently have?

• When are times that I could say no?

• Are there ways that I can cut down on tasks or disconnect (e.g. not checking email after work hours, agreeing to help a friend for a couple of hours rather than the whole day)

Look over your responses. Where do you feel you have clearly set boundaries? Where do you feel like you could set more firm or clear boundaries? What would these changes look like?